As always, 2019 saw a bumper crop of bloopers. Here are the best of the bunch!
Homes came with a lot of moving parts this year: “The single garage drives right into the lower level.” And this one, in “clean and moving condition.” In one listing blooper, I wondered how you’d even find the house: “Thoroughly removed in 2018.”
Some howlers this year involved unwanted neighbours, like this one that came “With north east exposer.” Or this one: “landlord controls thermostat and must be included in rent.” Like seriously: find your own place.
There was this unintentional giggle: “Geo Warehouse shows [name] as one of the owners, however, she has passed away and will be removed at time of closing.” Thank God.
Speaking of the dearly departed, there was this gem: “Home has been almost totally renovated … widows, flooring, wiring. ” And this one: “New roof (2018), New Widows (2011)”
One of my all time favourites was this blooper, found in salesperson remarks: “Seller not present but can be turned on for building inspections.” Made me wonder if the seller was the north east exposer.
Speaking of building inspections, I came across this reference in a home inspection uploaded to the MLS listing as an attachment: “”Noticeable slop on second floor balcony.” Good for pigs!
When it came to farm animals, as usual, I saw a lot of fowl (word)play in listings, like this one that featured a“NEW natural gas furnace including all duck work. ” Poor overworked ducks.
Then there was this listing with a “Large duck in the rear for entertaining.” (Years ago, when I was writing the blooper column for REM Magazine, a Vancouver agent sent me a listing for a property with a “large d*ck in the rear” which I thought was quite a selling point.)
When it comes to entertaining, this new listing made me laugh out loud: “Big deck and storage shed perfect for your friends and family!” (Reading listings is like watching an episode of 90 Day Fiance sometimes, with poor old Syngin stuck in the converted She-Shed while Tania goes off to Costa Rica to become a witch doctor. But I digress.)
Back yards are important features to buyers and realtors took the opportunity to highlight them. As in this unintentional gem: “Kitchen overlooks backyard with lots of cupboard space.” It’s always good to have extra storage outside, and I’m sure the family members and friends living in that storage shed will really appreciate it. As would Syngin.
This listing could offer a solution to the storage problem: “comes with fish stacked private pods.”
A colleague listed a property ” with beautiful curve appeal, ” which I confess does seem quite enticing.
This listing made me snort: “Don’t forget to check out the laundry shoot.” Or how about this one? “Beautiful all brick 3 bedroom bungalow on a raving lot.” I dunno about that. It just seems like there could be a lot of tension.
One of my favourite bloopers of 2019 was: “Galley kitchen resigned in 2003.”I can just see it: “ I’ve had enough being shot at by the goddamn laundry, that lot is nuts, cook your own damn lunch, I’m outta here.”
The sellers clearly struggled to get their house ready for sale: “freshly pained & move in ready!” I much preferred this seller’s approach to painting: “Mostly freshly pinted.” That’s my idea of renos: a paint brush and a nice cold beer.
Then there was this new listing with a “specious kitchen,” which I thought was a little misleading. Baddaboom.
One listing featured a home with “plenty of natural lightening,” which could make it hard to insure. I suspect insurance companies would love this feature, though: “thermo plane windows throughout.” A little over-built perhaps.
Bathrooms sell houses, although I’m not sure the “hummus type toilet” in a cottage listing was much of a selling point unless you really love Lebanese food.
This new listing was “within waking distance of many amenities.” I sure hope those amenities included a coffee shop.
There were other typos in listings that made me laugh this year, like this personal favourite: a listing with an “elevator for sinvenience.” I don’t even want to know the Freudian slip behind that one, but it reminded me of another listing indicating that the lockbox was “located in the connivence store.”
This one concerned me a little when it came to privacy: “”stunning views overlooking waterfront and 1.5 bathrooms.”
I had two big favourites in 2019. As a negotiator trained at Harvard (I used to teach Negotiation Skills at Queens), I had to hand it to this seller: “Seller will also negotiate with the lawn tractor and snow blower.” Well done, sir. I couldn’t do that myself.
But my all time favourite was this one: “Overgrown vegetarian needs to be cut back!”At the end of 2019, with all that food we consumed over the holidays, don’t we all? Happy New Year!!!