My Latest Blooper Column: Watch out for exploding windows!

I have stopped writing my regular blooper column for REM, but it seems my eye for catching bloopers is still there and my fellow realtors never disappoint!  This late summer/early fall batch of bloopers begins with a chill in the air and appropriately enough, a listing that features “Two frieplaces.”

With Hallowe’en around the corner, who wouldn’t want a “Costume kitchen with pantry and stone counters”? Might be hard getting the fridge up the stairs to the front door to shout “Trick or Treat,” though.

The second level in this new listing “hosts a leg master, ” which makes me think of a dominatrix, for some reason.  Now there’s a costume that kicks! Along the same lines, here’s a listing blooper that made me smile: “Further upgrades include new pain.”

I loved this listing, which notes that the “town is offering grant money up to $5,000 dollars for beatification.” I didn’t know sainthood came at a price, but that does seem like a reasonable price and a nice additional feature.

As is this “laundry level on upper level across from bus station.” Nothing like a laundry with a view!

I smiled at this listing with its new “sub pump.” Because you certainly do not want your submarine to sink. Remember Das Boot?

If you’re an animal lover, or perhaps a veterinarian, you’ll be happy to know that the recent renovations in this new listing “include duck work.”  I have never worked with poultry in the trades, but I suppose the duck was brought in to fix the quacks. (Badaboom!)

I loved this unintentional gem: “24 hours irrevocable on all offers to arrange family members.” I wonder if they are arranged according to height, like a family portrait, where no one quite looks at the camera at the same time and  there’s always a little kid with his finger up his nose.

This new listing made me smile: “The lower level is ideal for a quest.”  I keep thinking of Don Quixote and Pancho Sanchez: sure hope the back yard has a windmill.

Schrodinger’s cat apparently lives in this new listing: “Unfinished finished basement offers additional storage.”

I’m not sure about this aggression expressed in this new typo: “Be the fist to live in this spectacular new Pied a Terre.” Freudian slip?

Talk about a home for commuters: “urban living with distant design.” There’s also an “Idea property for renovation contractor” for sale right now, although I think most would prefer bricks and mortar.

How about a home that features a “covered deck and mushroom area”? Personally, I find a mudroom a little more useful, but then, that’s just me.

I’m guessing this home would be well-suited for tailgate parties: “The basement features a full bar and lots of driveway space, perfect for entertaining.” Kind of like this multi-purpose garage that  doubles as some kind of butler’s pantry: “A single car attached garage provides access to the kitchen which provides for ample storage & counter workspace.”

I suspect this feature might turn a few off buyers, but they can’t claim they weren’t warned, thanks to the All-Caps lettering: “HUGE AND BRIGHT LVGRM WITH EXPLOSIVE WINDOWS.” Nothing like having to call the Bomb Squad to open and close your windows.

If you’re looking for something a little more mellow, and less dangerous, this property features “9 foot ceiling with pot lines throughout the main level.” And then there is this calm, quiet listing that comes with “composed decking.” So much better than angry decking, don’t you think?

I love the idea of a home that’s been “inspected by a hope inspector” — such a great idea. In troubled times like these, we could all use a little hope.  And maybe a leg master.

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